The 4am Post

I had chemo and a Dr. apt. today. Everything went well. YEAH!!! I am coming to the path on the road where the emotions are starting to be realized, but not for my self for my mother. We are in a very interesting situation. She is having a hard time because what I am going through and I am having a hard time cause she is having a hard time. I think if i lived closer so she could see me and help me it would be easier for her to realize I am truly doing OK. Yes there are times where I wish I could give up and just walk away, but I know that is not an option. With dealing with breast cancer for the last 4 months, not much has bothered me, which I know is part of my survival mood, but it is really hard to see my mom sad and just not doing so well. I wish there was something I could do for her. I need her to be happy and feel loved. I wish the last 5 months in our family could be wiped clean. The last 5 months have been the worst 5 moths of our lives, and things are kinda sometimes turning around. My mom found out she has the BRACA (breast cancer gene), I got not such good results on my mammogram, then my sister went to the hospital for funky chest issues that luckily turned out to be nothing. Then my needle biopsy, and my braca testing. As we walked out of the Dr. office from my testing i got the call saying yes i had cancer. well we all were kinda taking in what just had happened when my mom called my grandfather Neil to let him know about me, well to make this part short he did not answer and my brother broke in to his house and well he past away just 2 days after my diagnoses. WOW already. Well then my sister found out she also is positive for the BRACA gene. I had surgeries, and started chemo which was not going to well. Things with chemo are getting better and after all I only have 6 more treatments. Then will be on medication for 5 years. I am done with the drama of our family. I wish it was over. I want it to be done now. Since things are looking better for me I am truly thinking about getting a majorly part time job. I know i need to rest and I do, well except on the night of Chemo I am usually up all night long, but I am also not the type of person who can just stop. Thank you all for your love, and support. we are almost done with the worst of it. Day by Day Week by week and one foot in front of the other.

Seriously!

Today I had chemo, it was much nicer than last time, but I am definitely done. I wish I could jump into a bubble and float away and just watch all my cares and illnesses stay on the earth. I want to be normal again and to be able to just relax cause I want to not cause I have too. I understand why this is going on (but I want it to end already). God has me learning a lesson right now, what that is I am not sure yet, but I will someday. I know I can handle it and I know I need to rest, but really I am not a resting kinda girl. If it were not for all my friends and family it would really hard to be strong, but you all have made it easier. THANK YOU!!!!