Fear of what is supposed to help!

As I am still dealing with the pain in my legs and feet I was given another pain medication to help me control the pain. Knowing how I do not know handle pain medication very well since all of this cancer stuff has come around I was thinking to myself it will be ok. It will make me feel better and then I will be better off. Shortly after I took the first pain pill I was sick, super sick, in the back of my mind I was thinking I should not take it, but it is only one pill. I now have been band from taking major medication all together. Thanks to the eastern medicine which I know is my friend more than western medicine. I am truly sick of taking stuff and getting super sick or having horrible side effects. I never had issues like this before. I was told my the oncologist and Kim my liver just can't handle it any more, but I can't handle the pain anymore either. Owell. I guess we will continue with herbs and being poked which is quite peaceful and relaxing. I just want my body back and I want to be done. Now I have the flu and a major fever for 2 days now and was so fearful to take something for it. I must say I know have a phobia of taking stuff cause I am scared of how my body will handle it.

The Scare of Infection

As I am slugishly going through this chemo walk I have always been fearful of the word INFECTION, but now it feels as if I almost want an infection. I am so annoyed with dealing with trying to look normal. And thinking to myself "Desi, you have never done normal and probally will never do normal, so just keep going." I would almost wish I never began reconstruction. I am so done with pain, and drama of having cancer. Can't I just suck it all up and just get over it. Maybe just get a job even I am told my many not to yet, but just get a job and act as if nothing is wrong. Is this part of coping, if so that is cool but I don't wanna cope. I don't wanna deal with this anymore. I just want to be myself. I want my body back, I want all my piece put back and I want my life back. I am so done. I wish my hospitalizations did not effect my daughter so much, I wish my issues would not effect me. Crying is hard, but thanks to Kim, I have at least started to, but it is still so hard. I just don't wanna be this sick person anymore. I am so scared of getting an infection, but I also want it to happen and then have it all removed and never put it back. Why is this so hard, why is life so challenging. PLEASE STOP CHALLENGING ME I AM DONE!!!!
Just a total brain dump tonight.

Thank you all for your support and love.