Medical Issues!

As I sit here today on a new medication feeling like crud, I wonder if I will ever get a break from medical issues. I have just been diagnosed with Hypothriodism. That is where my thyroid is not producing the thyroid hormoe like it should so there for I have to take hormone therapy for the rest of my life. My thyroid is 3X bigger than normal and since the likely hood of it shrinking to normal size is not very good we need to remove my thyroid. I am totally torn on how to feel. I keep saying to myself people have it worst. Like Baby Matthew is fighting for his life, and Karen has to deal with cancer every day. Is it fair for me to complain about another medical procedure when my friends are dealing with them every single day and have no clue what is going to happen next. My heart says Desi be happy you are with your family and have a good life, a procedure here or there is not a big deal, but my brain said THIS SUCKS!!!!! I have had 8 surgeries in 7 years. I am so sick of being sick or in pain or taking medication that i have side effects too. This new challenage in my life is most likley a genetic problem. I love who I am and who I have become thanks to my folks, but I HATE GENES!!!! I want to not be ill, not have surgerys, not sit waiting anxetially for the most recent test results and not waiting to see what will happen next. I can not figure out how to feel, when i go on rants about what is going on. In my head i feel horrible for my friends and should not coplain but then think that i just want a break. 1 year with no pain, no tests, no illness, just live, laugh and love.

Such is life and this is just the next page in my huge book of life lessons.

Fear of what is supposed to help!

As I am still dealing with the pain in my legs and feet I was given another pain medication to help me control the pain. Knowing how I do not know handle pain medication very well since all of this cancer stuff has come around I was thinking to myself it will be ok. It will make me feel better and then I will be better off. Shortly after I took the first pain pill I was sick, super sick, in the back of my mind I was thinking I should not take it, but it is only one pill. I now have been band from taking major medication all together. Thanks to the eastern medicine which I know is my friend more than western medicine. I am truly sick of taking stuff and getting super sick or having horrible side effects. I never had issues like this before. I was told my the oncologist and Kim my liver just can't handle it any more, but I can't handle the pain anymore either. Owell. I guess we will continue with herbs and being poked which is quite peaceful and relaxing. I just want my body back and I want to be done. Now I have the flu and a major fever for 2 days now and was so fearful to take something for it. I must say I know have a phobia of taking stuff cause I am scared of how my body will handle it.

The Scare of Infection

As I am slugishly going through this chemo walk I have always been fearful of the word INFECTION, but now it feels as if I almost want an infection. I am so annoyed with dealing with trying to look normal. And thinking to myself "Desi, you have never done normal and probally will never do normal, so just keep going." I would almost wish I never began reconstruction. I am so done with pain, and drama of having cancer. Can't I just suck it all up and just get over it. Maybe just get a job even I am told my many not to yet, but just get a job and act as if nothing is wrong. Is this part of coping, if so that is cool but I don't wanna cope. I don't wanna deal with this anymore. I just want to be myself. I want my body back, I want all my piece put back and I want my life back. I am so done. I wish my hospitalizations did not effect my daughter so much, I wish my issues would not effect me. Crying is hard, but thanks to Kim, I have at least started to, but it is still so hard. I just don't wanna be this sick person anymore. I am so scared of getting an infection, but I also want it to happen and then have it all removed and never put it back. Why is this so hard, why is life so challenging. PLEASE STOP CHALLENGING ME I AM DONE!!!!
Just a total brain dump tonight.

Thank you all for your support and love.

Reporter with KION News

Today, I meet with the reporter for a local news channel KION. She was interviewing me on being a cnacer patient and how life is for some one dealing with the treatments and all as they are going through it. I was asked if I could do this by my best friend Bree. I said sure no problem. The reporter was amazing and very nice. I feel kinda bad for her, I am not sure if she was looking for a person who is dealing with cancer who has it really hard, but that is not what she got. I think she was not quite ready for me. Dr. Stampleman said that she has never seen a patient so put together, espiecally so young. IF you think about it what are my options I have 1: think my life sucks and I am going to have a horrible time or 2: live life to its fullest and enjoy everyday that I have and have a grand old time. Well for all of you I have choice option 2. Of course there are days that suck and there are even days that are horrible, but I hope to inspire people to do what they have to do to get checked out and if they end up with cancer that they become cancer Fighters with me. As I had said before I am and always will be a cancer fighter not a cancer survivor. I did not barely scoot by and survive cancer I kicked it in it's butt and I fought it. If i had one wish it would be to help people understand how important it is to think positive and enjoy the days you have and to understand cancer is not a death sentence, it is just a bump in the road and must be taken out and rebuilt so the bump is no longer there. and by removing that bump you are stronger and know a better way to cope or to rebuild that road. Fight Fight Fight. It is your journey and you can choose how to travel it.

SOrry this is kinda a random blog but just thoguhts running through my head. OHHHHHHHH 3 more treatments!!!!! Yeah !!!!! Cancer sucks, but life is good!!!!!!

The 4am Post

I had chemo and a Dr. apt. today. Everything went well. YEAH!!! I am coming to the path on the road where the emotions are starting to be realized, but not for my self for my mother. We are in a very interesting situation. She is having a hard time because what I am going through and I am having a hard time cause she is having a hard time. I think if i lived closer so she could see me and help me it would be easier for her to realize I am truly doing OK. Yes there are times where I wish I could give up and just walk away, but I know that is not an option. With dealing with breast cancer for the last 4 months, not much has bothered me, which I know is part of my survival mood, but it is really hard to see my mom sad and just not doing so well. I wish there was something I could do for her. I need her to be happy and feel loved. I wish the last 5 months in our family could be wiped clean. The last 5 months have been the worst 5 moths of our lives, and things are kinda sometimes turning around. My mom found out she has the BRACA (breast cancer gene), I got not such good results on my mammogram, then my sister went to the hospital for funky chest issues that luckily turned out to be nothing. Then my needle biopsy, and my braca testing. As we walked out of the Dr. office from my testing i got the call saying yes i had cancer. well we all were kinda taking in what just had happened when my mom called my grandfather Neil to let him know about me, well to make this part short he did not answer and my brother broke in to his house and well he past away just 2 days after my diagnoses. WOW already. Well then my sister found out she also is positive for the BRACA gene. I had surgeries, and started chemo which was not going to well. Things with chemo are getting better and after all I only have 6 more treatments. Then will be on medication for 5 years. I am done with the drama of our family. I wish it was over. I want it to be done now. Since things are looking better for me I am truly thinking about getting a majorly part time job. I know i need to rest and I do, well except on the night of Chemo I am usually up all night long, but I am also not the type of person who can just stop. Thank you all for your love, and support. we are almost done with the worst of it. Day by Day Week by week and one foot in front of the other.

Seriously!

Today I had chemo, it was much nicer than last time, but I am definitely done. I wish I could jump into a bubble and float away and just watch all my cares and illnesses stay on the earth. I want to be normal again and to be able to just relax cause I want to not cause I have too. I understand why this is going on (but I want it to end already). God has me learning a lesson right now, what that is I am not sure yet, but I will someday. I know I can handle it and I know I need to rest, but really I am not a resting kinda girl. If it were not for all my friends and family it would really hard to be strong, but you all have made it easier. THANK YOU!!!!

Realization

Today is the first day I have truly felt like a cancer patient. I have known I was under treatment and I know how I felt had to do with it, but it was not till today when I realized I have big dark circles under my eyes that I truly now feel like a cancer patient. Some would say wouldn't just your hair falling out make you feel that way, but no. I am totally OK being bald. Now when I look in the mirror and see the black circles under my eyes, it scares me. It makes me realize how tired I truly am, and how I just want this to all be done. It has hit me for the first time that I am not me. I am strong and not fearful of what has happened, but I am fearful of the treatments to come.The dark circles will eventually leave, and I know I am and will be a stronger person because of it, but I am scared. I am fearful and I am only human.

The bags I see makes me want to go hide,
to pack my bags and escape the place I am.
But the realization that I need to fight and
understand that I can do this, is so much stronger.
Cancer will not take me down, it will make me weak, and exhausted,
But, I will win as many before me have.

Thank you to all who have supported me and showed me your love. You have no clue how much it has helped in my treatment and care. If it were not for all of you this fight would be so much harder and I would have given up awhile ago.