As I am slugishly going through this chemo walk I have always been fearful of the word INFECTION, but now it feels as if I almost want an infection. I am so annoyed with dealing with trying to look normal. And thinking to myself "Desi, you have never done normal and probally will never do normal, so just keep going." I would almost wish I never began reconstruction. I am so done with pain, and drama of having cancer. Can't I just suck it all up and just get over it. Maybe just get a job even I am told my many not to yet, but just get a job and act as if nothing is wrong. Is this part of coping, if so that is cool but I don't wanna cope. I don't wanna deal with this anymore. I just want to be myself. I want my body back, I want all my piece put back and I want my life back. I am so done. I wish my hospitalizations did not effect my daughter so much, I wish my issues would not effect me. Crying is hard, but thanks to Kim, I have at least started to, but it is still so hard. I just don't wanna be this sick person anymore. I am so scared of getting an infection, but I also want it to happen and then have it all removed and never put it back. Why is this so hard, why is life so challenging. PLEASE STOP CHALLENGING ME I AM DONE!!!!
Just a total brain dump tonight.
Thank you all for your support and love.
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